What makes a good Relationship?
By Jeanette Saxby,
Oxford, New Zealand.
A relationship firstly consists of two people. In every relationship, there are two sides or points of view. Naturally, there will be differences so one of the essential parts of a good relationship are: equal compromise and even willingness to take some blame or responsibility. If you think you are always right someone is being a door mat to your opinions. Opinions are really what you are sharing in an argument. Is being right all the time honouring your partner?
We need to trust our partner and most of all allow them to grow. We are going to change as we grow older, wiser and we change but often not as much as our partner would like. I think accepting and loving yourself is step one and really loving your partner does not include changing him or her to improve them. If they do not match your ideal of how they should act or look, perhaps they are just not the right one.
There is no need to rush a relationship. After all the very best relationships last a whole lifetime. Again, I am referring to the relationship you have with yourself. For you alone are on your journey. It’s best to share our journey with someone we love. However, loving another person and sharing a life with a person is not easy.
People are not like on TV or in the movies and into our relationships. We all bring our ideas from our own family. Our mothers showed us how to cook and clean and often showed us the most love. Our fathers may have been responsible for setting the tone of the house and making the rules. Often we followed our fathers profession and advice about work and education. So in a sense we bring our parents with us into a relationship unseen and unheard but there judging how well we are doing.
If we are young and impulsive, we may rush into a relationship too quickly. Sometimes, we rebound into a relationship after a break up. Some people hate to be alone and seek a partner who allows and supports co-dependency. Other people make form a relationship based around a healthy behaviour like the gym or equally likely an unhealthy behaviour like drinking or drug taking. Unfortunately, we can tend to repeat bad patterns of behaviour because it feels wrong but it also feels familiar.
Religion is a way that people meet and often have common ground and family with the same beliefs and values.
But it does come down to common or shared values I think that forms the best relationships. Honesty must be one of the best gifts you can bring to a relationship because trust grows from honesty.
Little white lies are the ones you keep such as telling your wife that she is a great cook when she burns most dishes and telling your husband that he is the best strongest or wisest man you know daily!
Shared values are important with raising children. Mum and dads have to agree on discipline and agree on spending or financial things or there will be conflict. Children are not better off being spoiled with presents but not given time. Kindness is not weakness in either men or women. Kindness is a win – win action. Being kind to all people and animals is bound to result in a more harmonious house hold and life.
“As importance as these things are there is no right and wrong for how people agree to live together and conduct their relationships.”
Some people spend fifty years together but never spend a night apart. Other people spend months apart at sea or on military duty so the relationship is maintained by phone calls and texts.
Some couples are part of big groups and make lots of noise and have what looks like heaps of fun . Other families may stay home yet enjoy music or board games together. Others go outdoors biking or camping. All of these activities each are good and enrich the family and bond them through creating shared memories.
Why do so many new marriages end in divorce?
Actually it’s not just new marriages, it’s all marriages have a high failure rate. One reason is that people may prefer independence to cohabitation. Some people are too selfish to share or too immature to grow up. Some marriages are doomed through existing affairs and parental meddling. I think rushing to get married is part of the problem. I wonder if the allure of a wonderful wedding day leads to a few tears and regrets quite soon into the marriage also.
I think it takes at least a year to get to know another person. A year is a good cycle to observe another person because you need to see your potential partner handle all circumstances and different situations.
How does your intended spouse cope with illness?
Will he or she make a good nurse when you are sick or go out with friends and stay away till you recover?
How does your partner handle money? Does she budget or spend like a mad person?
How will you agree to share money and bill paying?
How does the partner look and act when they are angry?
Are they ever violent?
The time you invest into knowing as much as you can about the one you love the greater reward you can reap from your marriage. A good marriage is like a wonderful gift that keeps giving. A divorce is a scar with a scab that never heals if there are children. When we are old and have time free from work and are once again alone with our partner isn’t wonderful if you can look in their eyes and know you have given your best and know you are loved in return. I just love seeing elderly couples holding hands.
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