Reasons for Divorce


Reasons for Divorce:

By Sajjad Amin Bangash

no-fault-divorce-georgia
Participants:

  1. Jeanette Saxby, Oxford, New Zealand.
  2. Joanne Starosta, Glasgow, Scotland.
  3. Debbie Coyle, Councillor at Sein Fein, Fermanagh.
    Enniskillein, Ireland.
  4. Judith Loudin, Saratoga, Wyoming, USA.
  5. Katie Swan, Dublin, Ireland.
  6. Salma Lateef, Islamabad, Pakistan.
  7. Toni Mosley, Waldorf, Maryland, USA

A friend of mine Angwyn in Michigan, USA gifted me an idea write an article on ‘reasons of divorce in the modern times ‘ and eagerly accepting to collect insights and some analysis on the increasing rates of divorce around the world. Marriage is beautiful bonding between two people and the process of passing life together.

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Knowing the ever increasing rate of divorce around the globe which is alarming and damaging for our societies.
I therefore, contacted my online friends around the world and share their part of experience, insight and view on this matter of extreme importance.
I drafted and asked the following questions from my participants:

1. What are the general reasons for the breakup in understanding between a husband and wife?
2. Have our societies now converted into ‘machine based’ where humans are forgetting the true values of trust, mutual understanding and care for each other?
3. Being a woman, do you think it’s the man who’s responsible for the ‘deceit’ between husband and wife or woman is responsible?
4. What are the after effects and repercussions of divorce on the children?
5. Do you favor ‘love marriage or arranged marriage’?

ReasonsForDivorce
World Wide major reasons for Divorce

Jeanette Saxby, Oxford, New Zealand.

I think to get the most clear understanding of any divorce you would need to speak to both parties. I totally regret my hasty divorce. My husband was previously married and I guess I felt disposable . So to understand any divorce first hear both sides.

Some marriages break up after a short time because adequate time wasn’t spent getting to know each other and they are too young, mad, to hasty or drunk. Older couples who are separating after many years have reached the end of their tolerance for the other partner. I think one of the partners family can make a new wife feel welcome or rejected.
2. There are marriages of convenience. In business having a wife and family conveys greater stability. Values are still taught and shared and demonstrated in many groups and communities. Trust is perhaps not as valued as a contract or document.

3. I’d love to marry again. I would love to go back in time and correct the  misunderstanding that caused me to not trust enough to work out my problems and stay married. I tended to leave a relationship than fix myself. My husband wasn’t the cause of deceit nor did he cause mistrust. I felt the lack of support and didn’t ask for the support and time I needed from him I was t particularly suited to being a wife and mother so young.

4. This sounds a bit confessional now but the effects of divorce are no worse than growing up in a dysfunction two parent family. I have seen solid marriages suddenly collapse and healthy young people raise themselves up and out of poverty. I have seen happy loving families have children that took their own lives and other forms of self harm and addiction and there are no guarantees.

5. We don’t have arranged marriages in New Zealand as part of my culture but I don’t think their success or failure would be very different to the fifty percent failure rate we have in New Zealand.

6. There will be as many reasons given for break down of marriage as their are stars in the sky. It comes to to one thing alone. We no longer can or want to live together.

Joanne Starosta, Glasgow, Scotland.

Yes, I agree. People are too busy with making money or working hard for money. Almost all of money makers care about the money they do, not about the true values you mention here. In the same time workers “must” agree for everything is put on the market, including their low paid jobs.

This situation, if approved by government forces for working even up to 100 hours weekly – just to cover bills and meals (my best record was 94 because of finding myself as a lone parent with 01 child but ambitious to support him with getting full-time education at the University).

When you work like that, you are too tired to talk about all important issues related to your family. All you think is to go to bed and get a good sleep to recover your power for the next working day.
You can eat something if there’s someone who can cook for you or you can buy the prepared meal, which is easy to put it in a microwave and reheat some in 7mins. But if you find, your ready meal is too expensive for you, then just 2-3 toasts and a glass of milk can make you happy.

People are working too much, even while being on their annual leaves – this opportunity can give them a chance f.e., to buy good quality boots for Winter. And on the end, any of these hard working people can be told that was their freedom to get extra hours or working on the annual leave. Yes, It can happen because nobody cares but only you what you MUST to do for your family or for yourself. Some governments do not guarantee jobs for all their people. This creates problems and very often causes people’s relationships breaking – people can be desperate in fear of become homelessness or too upset to believe they can change anything in their live. Unfortunately there are still governments existing on this world,which DON’T WANT TO CARE. They prefer to keep their people uneducated and tired. If people are out of information and don’t know so they have no power, if they are out of power so “dangerous inventions” cannot destroy the system, if they are into system so there’s no unanswerable questions, if there is no question put to answer so there is easy to keep like it is. Some people just stop to ask after staying with unanswered questions during whole life. Then we can judge them: ” you could change something but you don’t care”.

Divorce Rate 2013

Debbie Coyle, Councillor at Sein Fein, Fermanagh.
Enniskillein, Ireland.

I just do not believe that people should stay together in an unhappy relationship. I would not blame men or women. There is plenty of evidence to say that in cases of domestic abuse and violence, the women are usually the victims. whether it is the man or woman who is the victim they should not be made to feel they have to stay with the abuser.

It could be that a couple fall out of love or just are so different they do not get on. There are cases where one partner, or both, have affairs. This is not right unless they agree to do so because it brings in the issue of trust, lies, etc. and as I have said, I believe that children may be better off living with one parent if they do not get on, however; I feel both parents should be involved of their children’s upbringing as long as their is no violence/abuse/arguing etc. If the children know and understand that they are not responsible for the change in their family then there is no reason why they would not develop as positive adults.

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Judith Loudin, Saratoga, Wyoming, USA.

1. Have our societies now converted into ‘machine based’ where humans are forgetting the true values of trust, mutual understanding and care for each other?

I don’t believe this is happening because we are a mechanized society.  I believe their is a lack of teaching values and principles, stemming from a disillusionment with organized religions.

My generation learned these values in church(Sunday School in the Methodist church for me) and from our parents and grandparents.  I believe that societies are losing their values and the importance of concern and understanding for each other because today’s parents do not really parent. They are more interested in wealth, and in climbing the corporate ladder; they are consumed by materialism and seem to believe that what you have defines who you are and your success as a person.  Our families are more mobile: and they are scattered, so that the multi-generational home no longer exists.  Whereas the grandparents and aunts and uncles used to have a positive influence on all the children of the family, this no longer happens because their families are scattered across the country and sometimes the entire planet. We have entire generations of selfish, self-centered individuals who have lost the ability to care deeply for others and to feel any responsibility for the needs of others. Without values and principles, then lasting relationships are fleeting and impossible.

3. Being a woman, do you think it’s the man who’s responsible for the ‘deceit’ between husband and wife or woman is responsible? 

Could be either one.  Life just happens!

4. What are the after effects and repercussions of divorce on the children? 

Too varied to discuss here.  If the parents have an amicable divorce, then the negative effects on the children can be minimal. If not, then it can psychologically and emotionally have devastating and long lasting effects on the children as the parents use them as weapons against each other. If that happens, and it more often than not does, then the children may never be able to have a successful relationship with another human being because they are unable to trust or respect another person.

5. Do you favor ‘love marriage or arranged marriage’? 

Definitely do not favor arranged marriage. I can think of nothing worse than to marry someone that someone else chose for you whether it was when you were very young, or of marriageable age.  But as I have gotten older, I’m not even sure that I favor marriage at all.  Our society is changing so rapidly, and what used to be the required no longer needs to be so.

6. What are reasons for the divorce or break ups?

Can be anything and everything.  I think the fact that two people just don’t want to be married to each other anymore should be sufficient. Turn around three times and you are divorced!  Much easier and cheaper!  And much less emotional for all involved.

Actually formal marriage is a creation of man, and since man/woman is imperfect, then marriage is also imperfect!  I don’t believe there is such a thing as a perfect marriage – anywhere.

Katie Swan, Dublin, Ireland.

Brilliant if you want a few reasons why people divorce I can give you loads of reasons never been married know but all the stories I could tell you would open your eyes yea.

Some people get married too young and grow apart because they have nothing in common so they divorce and help each other with the children.

Some people marry because they feel they must be with someone and marry for the sake of not being alone.

Some people marry because their partner is well to do and they will never have to work again accept in the home and looking after their husband and become so unhappy with their choice they divorce.

People divorce because their partner becomes abusive and beats them so bad that they just want divorce.
People divorce because they don’t stay faithful to them.
People divorce because they find out their partner is gay and can never love them in the way they need to be loved.

People divorce because their husbands want them to have sex with other people in front of them and don’t see a problem with it so they divorce.

People divorce because some people change so much that they become unhappy and need to get away and move on.
People divorce because they fall in love with someone else and have to end it.
People divorce because their partner is obsessed about death and dying and is a danger to the whole family so they have to break up.
People divorce because they fight with each other all the time and the poor children pay the price.
People divorce because marriage was not at all what they expected to be.
People divorce because they bring out the worst in each other. Let me know if you need more examples.
O and also coming from different backgrounds religions and so on.

divorce-rates-in-islamic-countries

Salma Lateef, Islamabad, Pakistan.

Although, in Pakistan the divorce ratio is comparatively low as compared to other countries and even low from within Islamic countries. But still, there is an increasing trend of divorce in Pakistani society as well.

In Pakistan, women have become increasingly independent and often place their careers ahead of the interests of the family and even those of the life partners. When you get married, you enter into an agreement always to share with your spouse when making life changing decisions and your spouse to love them. The main factors contributing in the growing rate of separations in Pakistan are financial independence of women, lack of compromise from each side and intolerant attitude. Women are getting higher education and contributing in each sector of society and they are not a burden any more. Employed women who are financially strong are less eager to work on their marriages and prefer divorce.

Toni Mosley, Waldorf, Maryland, USA.

1. Sometimes after being married for years, people “grow apart”. Their interests change, they change as individuals and find that they are no longer compatible with their spouse.

2. I don’t think that society, as a whole, has changed. I think that people’s individual values have changed. Maybe that is because of mechanical alternatives. The ability to interact with people more freely using the internet.

3. As for pointing an infinite finger at either the man or the woman as being the deceitful one, you have to look at each situation individually. In my case, I cheated on my husband. But only after I was mentally, physically and verbally. I looked for an escape.

4. If you make it know to the child that the issues that are occurring, are between the parents and the child is old enough to understand, then most of the time I would say there is not many issues. But sometimes the parents inadvertently drag the child/children into their mess and it causes issues with the child/children. Sometimes therapy is needed.

5. I don’t know about repercussions on the children except maybe being stretched between two parents who may not get along. Hearing negative things about the other parent from the one they are with at the moment. It can’t be easy. Sadly most adults do not understand how to leave those feelings aside and learn to co-parent the child amicably you have to have a certain level of maturity to do that.

6. As I stated in #1. sometimes people grow apart. Then of course there is cheating. And I’m sure there are many more reasons. Too many to even think about. Either way, divorce is sad, but it is a learning time. Time to reevaluate yourself see if there is any way that YOU could have prevented it from happening not necessarily accepting blame, because of course there are times when it is blatantly obvious who is at fault but those other times when the lines are blurred, was there a way?

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. philipbond says:

    People divorce because marriage was a good idea at that time. Even tattoos can be erased… painfully.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. sajadbangash says:

    Linda Figan, Belfast, Ireland.

    Interesting read! I don’t believe in divorce unless you are in a abbusive relationship yes and all break ups affect the kids.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. sajadbangash says:

    Maggie Gardiner, Gelnthoes, Scotland.

    Aye, Linda, abuse, physical & psychological/emotional was my reason &, believe me, such a relationship is even more damaging to the children.

    On the matter of divorce damaging chikdren, that is entirely up to the manner in which both parents conduct themselves. It us nit the divorce itself causing the damage but the behaviour of both or one parent.

    Like

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